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Sitting opposite my date in a lowkey coffee shop in Soho, the world went by as we chatted continuously for over an hour.<\/p>\n
We covered everything from our day jobs and places we\u2019d travelled to the inequality and prejudice we\u2019d encountered as gay men.<\/p>\n
Compared to the string of dud first dates I\u2019d been on in the past year, this guy seemed genuinely enlightened and I was delighted to see that our views aligned.<\/p>\n
Like me, he had experienced\u00a0homophobia\u00a0<\/a>throughout his life and believed in the strength of\u00a0LGBT+ people standing together<\/a>. I felt reassured \u2013 there was genuine compassion in his thinking \u2013 and at ease. So far, so good.<\/p>\n Yet, despite him ticking so many initial boxes, and the fact that I felt so comfortable around him, there was one thing I wasn\u2019t able to share.<\/p>\n My HIV undetectable status.<\/p>\n There were moments where it popped into my head, and I did try to find a good time to introduce it. Ultimately though, I didn\u2019t because I was worried about how it would affect the mood.<\/p>\n It wasn\u2019t the first time this mental block had happened.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve felt morally conflicted about it before, unsure as to when, if ever, I should share my HIV status while being undetectable.<\/p>\n It\u2019s hard to move past the fear of rejection and years of shame I\u2019ve harboured as a result of the uneducated and dehumanising attitudes I\u2019ve experienced.<\/p>\n But the thing is,\u00a0I\u00a0know<\/em>\u00a0my HIV status is nobody\u2019s business but my own<\/a>\u00a0and I have to stop feeling ashamed of it.<\/p>\n I have to work through my innate fear of jeopardising good things and upsetting the equilibrium.<\/p>\n I was hospitalised with an\u00a0Aids-defining\u00a0<\/a>illness in September 2005.<\/p>\n HIV\u00a0(human immunodeficiency virus) is a virus that affects your immune system and weakens your ability to fight everyday infections.<\/p>\n What are the symptoms?<\/strong><\/p>\n How is HIV passed on?<\/strong><\/p>\n Treatment for HIV<\/strong><\/p>\n Antiretroviral medicines are used to treat HIV. They work by stopping the virus replicating in the body, allowing the immune system to repair itself and preventing further damage.<\/p>\n These come in the form of tablets, which need to be taken every day.<\/p>\n My CD4 count \u2013 CD4 cells being a type of white blood cell that helps your body fight infection \u2013 was nine cells per cubic millilitre of blood. For reference, a normal CD4 count is generally between 500 and 1200 cells per cubic millilitre.<\/p>\n I spent a tumultuous few months in hospital and eventually, a specialist Aids hospice where I was treated for Aids dementia and had to learn to read, write and walk fully again.<\/p>\n But thanks to expert care and advances in HIV antiretroviral therapy, I eventually emerged with my life intact.<\/p>\n Physically, I was very much on the road to recovery, but the psychological distress that resulted from my illness was only just beginning.<\/p>\n I had to come to terms with the stark reality that my life had changed profoundly at 25. But in those early days of my \u2018second life\u2019, my confidence was severely affected by the repeated misconception that people with HIV are \u2018unclean\u2019.<\/p>\n One of the first questions people on dating apps would ask me was, \u2018Are you clean?\u2019 which was so dehumanising (and desperately unsexy).<\/p>\n I was also refused treatment by dentists and, in a few instances outside of London, some medics insisted on being double-gloved.<\/p>\n These may seem like small inconveniences but they were soul-crushing and ate away at me.\u00a0<\/a>I became severely depressed and experienced PTSD,\u00a0 which manifested as panic attacks, mania and social anxiety.<\/p>\n Naturally, I found it difficult to maintain relationships because of my mental state, and this was only exacerbated by the\u00a0shame I was wracked with.\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/badvibes.live\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/12\/SEI_276010638-16cd-300x300.webp\")
<\/p>\nWhat is HIV?<\/h2>\n
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