I was having a shower when it happened.
It was 10 years ago. My infant daughter was in her bedroom while I was in the bathroom.
I don’t know why I turned around, but I did, and what I saw terrified me.
My then-partner was recording me.
I was horrified; but he was in hysterics. He thought it was hilarious.
I wish that was an isolated incident, but the fact is throughout our five-and-a-half year relationship, my ex – the father of my daughter – was abusive.
It was horrific – but it was made even worse by the fact that, when I eventually reported his abuse, the police didn’t help me.
For my ex, it was all about control.
My daughter and I had a curfew; we were only allowed out for three hours at a time, and only on certain days.
When we were allowed out, we had to run by him first where we were going and who we were seeing – and those three hours included our travelling time.
We weren’t able to see my family, which was hard, but when I did mention it, my ex threatened to kill me or attack me with acid.
Recording me in the shower wasn’t the first time he’d just come in without my knowing, or even the first time he’d spied on us.
I also found a recording device in my daughter’s room once, when I was cleaning there.
In the days after he’d made the video of me in the shower, I begged him to delete it; but he wouldn’t. He just made one big joke out of it.
‘You should have seen your face,’ he’d say, as well as threatening to show the recording to this person or that person.
He had total control over our lives; we had no freedom
Just before the pandemic, I discovered a shocking secret that was actually a huge relief.
He was married to someone else.
Finally, I felt like I had a ticket out – but he didn’t accept this as a reason to end the relationship. He carried on with the abuse and ownership of both me and my child.
I broke things off before the start of the pandemic; but he kept turning up at our flat at random times, every single day. Whenever he turned up, I refused to let him in, but around September of that year, he tried to force his way in and assaulted me and my daughter.
It was at that point that I went to the police; not just because of that incident, but because of the long campaign of domestic abuse, including his recording of me in the shower.
I’d been keeping track of the abuse throughout our relationship, just in case, maintaining a diary of the abusive incidents and recording him when I could. All in all, I had over 20 screenshots, audio recordings and videos documenting the abuse.
But it wasn’t enough.
I went back and forth with the police for around two years. At first, they decided to close the case, despite the fact that they hadn’t yet taken any evidence off me. They said they wanted to focus on the rape and the assault before looking into the domestic abuse.
I had a prohibited steps order in place during this period, which meant he wasn’t allowed to come within a certain distance of mine and my daughters home.
I was told by the police that, while they had closed my initial case, I could reopen a new case, so I started all over again and had to resubmit all the evidence via a link the police had sent me.
I think the police need to reevaluate how they decide what is and isn’t enough evidence to arrest someone for domestic abuse
Eventually, I managed to speak to an officer who seemed very optimistic that we’d be able to take the case further. She listened to me carefully and acknowledged all the evidence.
But then, a day or so after we spoke, she called me, hugely apologetic. ‘I’m so, so sorry,’ she said. ‘But I’ve taken everything you sent me down to the Domestic Abuse unit and they’ve said there isn’t enough evidence.’
She went on to explain that domestic abuse is a muddy territory, evidence-wise, and very hard to prove but I was heartbroken. I’d spent years putting myself at risk – recording, screenshotting, carefully keeping a note of everything. I’d thought it would be crystal clear.
I was absolutely gutted.
My daughter and I left town in secret to put an end to my ex’s in-person harassment. But our lives are still controlled: to keep ourselves safe we avoid putting our names on anything, which means we miss out on lots of community support and connection.
But, we did escape and now we’ve now got our lovely little home and a beautiful family.
Around five years ago I met my now-husband. We have two more children. When my ex was abusing me I wasn’t allowed to work, but now I have a job I love.
There’s nothing my daughter loves more than being a big sister; but she’s still going through therapy, after everything my ex did to her.
And my ex is still trying to get personal information about me, via the courts. Over the last five years, he’s put more than a dozen applications into the court for contact with my daughter.
Ultimately, I think the police really need to reevaluate how they decide what is and isn’t enough evidence to arrest someone for domestic abuse.
I went to them with 27 pieces of evidence – including multiple recordings where you could hear him threatening to kill me or throw acid on me, and a recording of the assault, clear as day.
But nothing happened.
Domestic abuse shouldn’t be ‘muddy water’. Women go to the police after enduring years of torture, only to be told there isn’t enough of a case. Police need to approach cases from the perspective of believing survivors and taking evidence seriously.
The system urgently needs to change; and fast.
Right now, it’s not good enough – and too many women are left unsafe and unprotected as a result.
