‘I would love to have my head between your legs right now.’
As the message came in, I looked at my watch.
It had taken Eli* – a complete stranger who I met on a dating app – 15 minutes to offer me oral sex.
I dipped my toe back into online dating a few months ago, when I found myself single for a brief moment.
I had no real intention of meeting someone but I was curious about how things might have changed over the past few years.
And I’m sorry to announce that if things were bad before, they are hellish now.
My chat with Eli started off like most do – with a quick ‘hello’ and ‘how are you’ – but soon escalated into his raunchy offer.
He then made a point to add how amazing he is at giving head. I, however, was doubtful about that – from my experience, men who are decent at oral don’t feel the need to advertise it, at least not in their first conversation with a potential date.
But I’ll never find out for sure, because what Eli failed to respect was that minutes earlier I had told him that I had no interest in casual sex. I entertained his line of conversation for a while because I found it funny and challenged him – which ironically just seemed to make him more keen.
Eli, however, wasn’t the only one who tried his luck.
Another match, Jimmy*, offered me a full penetrative package, before bragging about how he frequently scored hook-ups with a high success rate.
I couldn’t help but laugh at his poor attempts at getting laid.
I love when people are open about their intentions but, that being said, I would prefer that someone makes a real effort if they’re trying to seduce me.
After an hour, I deleted the app and started dating someone from my past soon after. But I still consider it a successful experiment because I realised something important.
I am no longer willing to accept less than what I want and need.
Had I crossed paths with Eli or Jimmy five years ago, things might have played out very differently. And some dates that I have been on prove just that.
Like when Dylan* and I met on a dating app back when I was in my mid-twenties.
His profile stated that he was looking for a long-term relationship, just like I was, so I was intrigued by him. The initial chat was good and the first date started well, but slowly the red flags began appearing.
He kept trying to talk about sex and dropping in suggestive comments, and it soon became clear that he wasn’t looking for a girlfriend after all.
The night ended with an admittedly hot kiss outside my front door but Dylan then asked if he could come upstairs – and I declined. He looked a bit disappointed but respected my choice.
In the week following, he kept sending raunchy messages and I played along in the hopes that by being ‘flirty and fun’, I would keep his interest – even though I didn’t want what he did and had kept a bit of a distance.
I entertained this charade longer than I’d like to admit but eventually, my gut told me it was time to bid him farewell.
Throughout my many years of dating, I have heard all manner of horrifying pick-up lines that still make me cringe.
‘I can see your nipples are talking to me,’ one bloke said, referring to a photo on my dating app profile where you could just about see through my top.
It was cold outside and I was wearing a thin bra, but it was a cute photo so I included it. It definitely wasn’t a subtle hint that I was looking for sex.
‘You look like you’re great in bed,’ another man told me, while someone else asked if guys often commented on my large breasts – before proceeding to do so himself.
This was years ago but the state of dating in the UK seems to be so dire now that people are giving up on finding love altogether.
My female friends are tired of men approaching them for sex – especially when doing so without tact or charm – even though their profiles clearly state that they want something more serious.
Meanwhile, a male pal no longer wants to date because he just can’t handle uninspiring conversations anymore.
Another friend told me that they think the quality of chat declines depending on the season – apparently, winter is worse because people are mostly using the apps out of boredom.
But the most concerning thing I have noticed is how often people settle for less than they deserve because they hope that the other person will change.
Take it from someone who wasted years on the ‘wrong’ dates – this is a pointless endeavour.
If you don’t want casual sex but keep getting hounded by creeps online, just laugh and say ‘no thanks, bye’, then unmatch.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, even if it doesn’t always seem that way – you don’t need to fight for scraps.
On the flip side, if you only want sex, be upfront about it but please, approach with smooth seduction.
If I can offer some hope, it’s this: you will never regret respecting your own needs.
I get what it’s like to endure shit chat and even sh**tier dates, but you deserve amazing, toe-curlingly fantastic experiences with people who appreciate your magic – and they are out there.
Stick to your guns.
