Whether it’s a forehead kiss or a cup of tea on your bedside table, small gestures make us feel loved.
And apart from a chocolate digestive, the only way to elevate a cuppa is a compliment from the one you love.
With grand PDAs dominating our feeds (we’re looking at you, Timothée), it can be easy to forget just how far a quick ‘you look great today,’ or ‘you make so happy,’ can go.
And while women often rely on friends for words of praise — safe in the knowledge the girls are typing flame emojis in the comments — men don’t always have this same luxury.
There isn’t a huge wealth of data into compliment giving and receiving, but statistics back this up, with one New Zealand study finding that women compliment other women, more than other men.
And, a recent post from an anonymous Redditor, who we’ll call Luca*, struck a chord with users, after he lamented a lack of compliments in his relationship.
‘I’ve been married five years and together for seven,’ he wrote. ‘Although we both love each a lot and we’re very good together, I very rarely get compliments from my wife,’ he wrote.
While some users said that complimenting was alive and well in their relationships, others related to Luca.
‘I rarely get any compliments,’ read one comment. ‘I couldn’t tell you the last time it happened. I do compliment her regularly.’
‘My husband compliments me every day,’ wrote another user. ‘I rarely compliment him… I do try to say something when I think it. It just doesn’t come naturally to me.’
And a third said: ‘She compliments me once or twice a year. If I don’t compliment her on a regular basis I get asked if there’s something wrong.’
It’s time for a compliment renaissance
Dating and relationship coach Kate Mansfield, explains to why there may be a lack of compliments in male circles.
‘Men do not have the same social networks and close emotional and intimate friendships and support that women do,’ she says. ‘But men need validation and reward based feedback too.’
One of Kates key teaching for couples is the ‘dating your husband’ concept. She encourages women to build connection, and ultimately get their needs met from their husbands, through positive reinforcement.
Madeleine Roantree, a psychologist, also works with couples on a regular basis. She offers clients similar advice. ‘I recently gave a woman in a heterosexual couple the specific task of verbally expressing her appreciation for her partner last week,’ she tells our magazine .
‘His reaction surprised her: he reported feeling significantly closer to her and deeply moved by the experience.’
In Madeleine’s experience, women sometimes don’t pay their male partners compliments because ‘they either assume their partners just know, or they feel their partner should be the ones giving compliments.’
‘I was concerned about “bigging” him up too much’
Married couples James, 53, and Claire Davis, 46, met in Ibiza in 2012. Both in relationships, it was three years later when the pair, who by then were both single, reconnected.
At the start of their relationship, Claire admits she often held back with words of affirmation.
‘I’d been through divorce and some heart breaks,’ she tells our magazine. ‘I think, subconsciously, I was concerned that if I gave compliments, he might take advantage of my kindness and affection.
‘The mentality was, “don’t show too much, but just enough.” I was concerned about “bigging” him up too much.’
